This is the companion piece to ‘Manopause & Manstruation’ and is, basically, a skit on how ‘health’ sites view erectile dysfunction – wankers!
*
They are an internet content writer specialising in a range of complete ‘bollocks’: dropped kerbs, free-flow cement flooring (translated from the Spanish) and the famous YoSurfista which was particularly lauded by at least one person.
Not so long ago a job came up for a ‘health’ site about erectile dysfunction. They all noticed, in the very detailed remit, that the person forgot to mention the tonal qualities required in the piece. All smirked mischievously at the same time. If they had also been asked for a ‘call to arms’, pandemonium would have ensued!
To prepare themselves, Uncle Tom & the Twins went off for a calming kip in the comforting darkness of their favourite knickers (the Father Christmas ones – their days of favouring the elephant G-string or decidedly disturbing crotchless number are long past). Thankfully, they have an orifice that does not produce an irritating snore dribble. Before too long, they will begin to stir because they will wrongly think that my bladder is full.
Before they do, I must confess to my concerns about them. I think I hear whimperings at dawn for the loss of Morning Glories. Mentally, I send little placatory mental messages such as: ‘At least you don’t piss out of the window anymore’ and ‘you can read twice the amount on the toilet now that you need to sit down for an extended dribble’.
I try to jolly them in the shower using special-environmentally-friendly products guaranteed by the EU to be non-aphrodisiacal. I even condition and plait their pubes and am sure that Tom gives an appreciative flick and that Dick and Harry reminisce about their fuller days. I smile but can’t bring myself to tell them that it is probably the action of the shower head.
[Note: Can I just point out that just as I didn’t name myself, I didn’t name Tom, Dick and Harry either. Mistakes in nomenclature, often make life more interesting.]
Some extended research needed here because I forgot to pop-in a Man Tena.
As the narrator, I thought we were writing to encourage the website to change their generic and boringly bleached approach (believing they are trusted more by using it). The ‘good’ angel, ‘bad’ angel Twins, had an agenda that was more revelatory. They expressed it in different language – but I, because of the important principle involved, refused to use too many knob gags.
They are back now but we aren’t getting much work done. Instead, we giggled about those Halcyon days – although Tom wasn’t particularly long, he was always very keen, and the Twins frequently made generous contributions to his efforts.
Whilst not urinating on the floor like we did in the good old days, we decided to take another look at our original rejected unpublishable text and see if we could improve it….
“The very phrase ‘erectile dysfunction’ with its implication of shooting blanks impotence is a red rag to the bull of the psychologically trained [‘Pavlovian’, says Dick] testosterone driven mythical Neanderthal modern man.
[Tom: I remember our first wank when we had to share a bed with a girly mag – I thought we were all going to die – what was that stuff?
Dick: Sorry lads, I can’t contribute now, I think I may have a twisted testicle!]
All of the indications are there because he has always been defined by his ability to inject sperm into a correctly hipped recipient [With big tits!] in order to produce appropriately healthy progeny.
His own friends compete with him for his womb targets [I feel guilty now because us lot did the stealing. Thank you, Dick, glad to see you’re getting over your valetudinarianism].
None of this is true in our modern world. Both sexes have to deal with hormonal changes and both have to deal with the stresses of life and the consequent impact on libido its complications.
If you have not raised a murmur for a while and the flag has ceased to fly in the morning, there may be an underlying medical condition that needs to be addressed. This may well involve a finger up your bot bot [Arse!] to check on your prostate gland. However uncomfortable this may feel psychologically, sexually and physically, the alternative is worse. Oddly, my neighbour, Frank, has been too honest about his medical conditions with me but, bizarrely, we appear to have both been fisted by the same Greek Doctor. Oh, how we laughed! Thankfully, neither of us had cancer but we both agreed that we would undergo the same procedure again but lie about the Doctor’s name – our friendship could be put under undue pressure by the sharing of sexual partners!
I suppose that the point here is that men should be more honest with other men. It doesn’t make you less manly if you talk about the functionality of the downstairs departments [We concur wholeheartedly. Thanks lads!]. Historically, we have not been told about our semen scary outrage vomit in the same way that the disturbances of a first bleed or budding breasts have been explained to mothers by daughters. [Shit! I should have put our wank story in here! I know Tom, you have never been averse to premature ejaculations. Our Molly was pleased though when we bought her champagne and roses! Wish we’d got a Chopper bike. I know.]
Oddly, testosterone doesn’t normally drop with age in the same way that oestrogen does. Please do not confuse testosterone with libido and / or hair loss – this is another societal myth. Having said this, some men may suffer from a menopausal hormonal drop that can be treated with our own version of HRT. [Wat’s dat called den? Testosterone. The existence of a male menopause is contentious so, until a proper study is made, some men may continue to dribble against the wind.]
[We’ve decided it’s time for another tinkling research session.]
Tom, Dick, Harry and I have decided that we are a bit bored and want to go for an afternoon nap together.
Our final declaration is going to be that we think Sildenafil (a.k.a. Viagra) is a crutch that reinforces everything that is wrong about male conditioning vis-à-vis their performance in the bedroom. Tom wanted me to add that… ‘there is no fuckin’ way that he is going to be sicking-up in a vacuum pump anytime soon!’ ”
Anyway, we have now decided to set up our own health website ‘Uncle Tom & the Twins – Their Quest for Honesty’. Initial articles are ‘Can CBD give me back my curly black hair?’, ‘Avoiding eye loss – Practical advice on having to shave on the eye-orbit’ and ‘How to diagnose Alzheimer’s of the groin’.
